
Yesterday, I was given feedback that hurt. It was honest and not given in malice or unkindness. It hurt because it is true. The feedback was about three things: 1) my weight, 2) my skin and 3) my teeth. I’m taking time to write this morning to allow the space for me to heal and grow. It’s about my health, weight and food. And it’s not. Everything is my teacher now that I’ve chosen to become a student. I’m looking to learn.
My weight is something I can transform. My skin is a mystery and I don’t know or understand the cause. Because I don’t know the cause, I don’t know the cure. And, my teeth, that I can’t change. A little over 3 years ago, I lost 4 teeth to a chronic bacterial infection. As I’m writing, I see plainly that there are three different types of issues here. First, the things I can change (my weight), second, the that I don’t know that are a mystery (my skin) and third, those things I can’t change (my teeth).
The thing that I can change… that’s where my opportunity is… or if you rather, that is where my personally addressed, hand-delivered invitation for spiritual growth is. This spiritual growth invitation is using my weight as its vehicle. It could be something else. For me though, today, it’s my weight. And it has been for a long time. I wasn’t okay with my weight, even *before* I was overweight (funny that!). It was a problem for me in my mind before it was a problem for me in my body. It points to me that the solution, the peace I will find will be in me before it is in my body. The work is internal. Spiritual.
When I was given the feedback yesterday, my heart hurt. The first thing I did was react. I cried. I buttoned it up as soon as I could. I did this, partially, because I didn’t want the other person to feel badly. It wasn’t her fault. And partially, I did it because I didn’t want to feel it. Once clear of the initial emotional blast, I started doing normal things that I would be doing in my day. At some point though, I noticed… in the gaps… I’d find myself the kitchen looking for something to munch on. It’s filler. I’ve done this with books and movies too… filling up space so I don’t have to be with what I feel. I’m starting to see my filler activities for what they are. They are crafty tools of avoidance. The activities themselves are not the problem. How I am using them to avoid my emotions, my spirit and the invitation that’s there for me to grow… that’s the problem.
These invitations aren’t loud and so they are fairly easily quieted or drown out by my filler activities. In the space, quiet, open and meditative places, that’s where they speak with clarity. They are easy to hear. Not surprisingly, they are healing and transformative even in hearing them. It’s the resistance and avoidance of them that is so painful and self-destructive. In the things I can change, there are my opportunities for growth. Rather than using fillers, my intention is to seek out those spaces. I’m going to leave them empty and allow whatever is there to come up. And like today, I will discover that I’m stronger, I am more than them. I transcend them. That’s the invitation there for me.
The second is issue is the things that are a mystery in my life. The physical embodiment of mystery for me, today, is my skin. Five years ago, I beat my rosacea. Three years ago, something went wrong with my skin again. My skin is in the worst condition it has ever been in. I thought it might be because we were living in basements. My theory was that there were molds that I was reacting to… but I’ve been out of that environment for almost four months and there’s no change. My skin is angry, broken out, peeling and red. I’ve tried eliminating certain foods with no change. I’ve taken careful care of what I use on my face for skin care and no change. I just don’t know what has caused it. It causes me embarrassment because it is disfiguring. I’ve had young kids ask their moms: “What is wrong with that woman’s face?” They aren’t mean. They just want to know why my face doesn’t look normal. Me too. Sometimes, it makes me want to hide. I haven’t given into that desire, but it’s there.
So, the opportunity for spiritual growth for me is – what is there for me to learn when there are no answers? Ignoring it doesn’t help… and truly I can’t ignore it. It is, quite literally, in my face every day. My desire is to find how to live in the question and be with the mystery in such a way that has me listening and open… as well as accepting and peaceful. I’m remembering this from Rilke:
I beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms of books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. (emphasis mine) Live the questions now. Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…”
Do I stop looking for hints and clues as to what’s causing this? No. Do I give up trying possible solutions? No. What does it mean for me to love the question… to love the mystery that I desperately want an answer to? Good question. I’m still figuring that out. The first piece of the puzzle I have and get though. I’m not to hate or struggle against it. That means, I’m not to hate or struggle against my skin and face. I’m to love it. Love it! That’s easier said that done… but spiritual growth is a choice and a discipline.
Final issue, the things I can’t change. Wow. This is tough. All three are tough, but this one is a challenge at another level, right? There is no hope for anything different than what is so. My four teeth are gone. I’ve had elated dreams that my teeth were growing back and I woke up crying. I’ve had nightmares were all my teeth are falling out. Losing my teeth was traumatic because my smile was one of those parts of me that I defined myself by. Sometimes, we don’t realize what we have attached to as being ourselves until they are threatened or gone. Our smile, our youth and beauty, our ability to run, or to be the center of the party, or… well, the possibilities of what we use to identify ourselves as are as varied as we are. Honestly, I’m proud of how I’ve lived after my teeth were pulled. I haven’t withdrawn and I’ve not let it stop me. I don’t feel the pain of the loss often. Once in a while, I cry. Overall, though, I’ve been accepting. In being accepting, I’ve found opportunity after opportunity for growth. One of the biggest is that all this concern, embarrassment and shame I feel about my missing teeth, it does not matter one iota when it comes to being the woman I want to be in this life. Not even a little. Granted, would I rather have a full, radiant smile as I meet and encounter the world? Abso-fricken-lutely!!! But, my ability to love, to grow, to revel in beauty and grace that flows abundantly in every day… well, no teeth are required for that.
So, there you go… three physical “problems” are the foil for three incredible and triumphant spiritual transformations!
Everything is my teacher now!
Enjoying my journey, embracing love, life and health!